I am back after a LOOONG hiatus...I apologize.
I have the torturous privilege of being a step mother. After the torturous privilege of growing up as a step daughter, you would think that I had it together. I don't. In fact, I firmly believe that being a step mother is much harder than being a step daughter. As a step daughter, you get that wonderful, euphoric feeling of invincibility...of never second guessing your decisions, because you are young and RIGHT. Not as an adult. As an adult we are more mature (hopefully) and have developed a conscience. We also look at things more long term than we tended to do as children.
This places me right smack where I am...in the middle of "step motherdom". I have two step daughters...double the punishment??? As a step daughter, I was your typical "you're not my mom" kid. I think every step grows up pissed off that our parents aren't together, and we had NO CONTROL. I try to remember this when dealing with my step daughters. It isn't their fault. They had no control over their situation, just as I didn't. But they do have control over how they go forward. Unfortunately, they are children, and the easiest thing to do, is hate me. I hated my step mother. For everything she didn't do to me, and everything she did do to me. It hurts much worse as the step mother. The pain of the rejection from a child is much worse than the pain of the rejection of a mother. I have dealt with that rejection, and have moved forward. Children have the ability to hurt you worse than any other person in your life.
I am trying to love through this, although most days, when I am constantly being rejected, I just want to pack her up and ship her off. But I love her in a way that her own mother doesn't. And she knows this, which makes it even harder for her. I vow, here and now, that I will forge on with this. I will love her, even when she spits in my face. I will show her how a mother loves a child...she does not get this from her egg donor. That is the hardest part. Her mother is NO KIND OF MOTHER. This woman does not love these girls like a mother loves a daughter. I just keep that in mind, and understand the pain of being a step...mother and daughter.
I have a daughter of my own that I love beyond anything. I have the mother-daughter relationship with her that I didn't have with either of my moms. I have room for more...don't I?
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4 comments:
TLC,
I am crying as I read this. I know, I KNOW, what you have been through. Dude, I was actually THERE during so much of it and witnessed it with my own two peepers.
As such, I know, I KNOW, that you feel for these girls.
If it makes you feel better, J and I did NOT appreciate our stepmother nearly as much as we should have. Now? We love her and appreciate so much that she brought to our lives.
The girls may not appreciate you now, but they may later. Soldier on, Dude. Soldier on.
VBFFAEALAWBLS,
KOG
I completely agree with KOG because she is my older sister and I must! These two girls will realize later when they are capable how much you do love them. They are obviously blessed to have you as their stepmother. You care, and even though they don't show it, they know. Hang in there!
Luv,
JLR
I jumped here from Cagey's blog. Thanks so much for putting this sweet post out there.
I've spent several years in a quasi-stepmother position. Verily it sucketh. But the light at the end of the tunnel dawns bright.
As my partner's two girls are making their way through adolescence, they're finally seeing that I wasn't the wedge between their parents that they thought I was, and are realizing that I've made some hard choices with their best interest in mind. Hearts and minds can change.
I wish you the best of luck with these girls and hope that you don't have to wait for end of teens for return on your investment.
QIR
My stepdaughter is now 20. At times, we fought like crazy. But always because I wanted the best for her. We're both stubborn and butted heads. I think we're both starting to appreciate each other more, though.
It's a tough, thankless job. But keep doing what you feel is right, and just love them the best you can. Eventually, they'll see it.
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